Writing

Writing, it is tricky at first. But as I write throughout the year in class I realize that my writing has gotten a million and ten times better than what it was. In the beginning I was writing carelessly, now I write like a professional. Techniques are hard  to understand when you are first learning, but now that I have been writing for three plus years techniques usually just come to me. My favorite writing would have to be my narrative writing. This is most important to me because it shows how vulnerable someone can be at any given moment. It also shows that our justice system is messed up. I enjoy writing and my writings this year have come such a long way. I am proud to say that I look forward to writing my essays to colleges next year because of the help I get in my Reading, Writing and Reflecting class. This class has helped me so much and I love how my teacher pushes me to do my very best and helps me when I am confused or when I have run-ons or fragments. I cannot wait to see how well I will be writing next year when I take a creative writing class.

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I miss you, but you don’t miss me

Daddy,
I love you. & I love Tina too. But it isn’t fair that Clohe & I can’t see you alone without her. I want to spend time with JUST you. & I wanna go out & do something fun, like the loves or something. But you never want to. You always make an excuse as to why you can’t go out. I know you like it up north, but I want you down here with me. I hate having you so far away. You tell me you’ll call me every night but I hear from you maybe twice a week. It isn’t fair that I have to share you with another woman, let alone my sister. I miss you like crazy, & I didn’t have the heart to tell you that I didn’t want you to go up north. & I still don’t. So I’m probably not going to send this. But I can’t sleep knowing that as soon as you care again. You don’t at the same time. It’s like I mean nothing to you even though you’re my world.
 
Is it that hard for you to stay single & not date someone? I like when you’re single. Cus we can do stuff together. This summer if I’m not working I’ll come up & visit. But I’m not going to sit around the house and stare at walls. I can do that at my house.
 
When you come down each month you’re always stressed out about one thing or another. If you guys can’t leave Bev alone for the weekend maybe Tina should stay up there with her.
I’m not sure what I’m even trying to say. Other than I miss you & I want you home. I’ll see you soon daddy.
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Image credit: Max Pixel

Suffocating

I needed you,
but you left me suffocating
I couldn’t breathe
you left me in the dirt
and I couldn’t get back up
you never looked back
it’s sad to know that I didn’t mean anything to you
it’s sad to know that all of the  “I love you’s” and the “I’m not like the others” were lies
it’s getting harder to breathe now
the room has begun to spin
maybe I shouldn’t have overdosed*
maybe I shouldn’t have listened to the voices
but they told me to do it
so here I am,
the room is getting darker
the lights are fading away
my heart beat is slowly starting to fade away with them
I hope the lies were all worth it
I hope everyone is finally happy
Because they caused this
It could have been prevented if someone had just listened to me
but no one ever didIma
the room is gone now
the voices have finally ceased
and I am finally happy
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Image Credit: Max Pixel

*This did NOT actually happen too me. This is a fictional account.

Daddys Little Girl

I was a newborn when you told me I was your perfect little girl
I was 2 when you first taught me how to speak
I was 4 when you got drunk & hit me
I was 5 when you first told me I was too fat
I was 6 when you left me.
I was 7 when you hit me again
I was 8 when I came home with tears running down my eyes because someone said mean things to me
I was 10 when I first started cutting
I was 11 and screaming your name at the top of my lungs.
I was 12 when I cut a little bit deeper. hoping you’d notice me
I was 13 and you called the cops on me
I was 14 and I didn’t see you all year.
You didn’t even believe my side of the story.
I am 15, and I can’t stand the way you look at me.
15, begging you to notice me.
screaming your name until I can’t breathe and crying out for help until I can’t see anymore.
16 and popping pills every day to end the pain and trying to stop the voices
17 and missing you like crazy. Even if we don’t get along.
But you’re still my dad
I was a new born, when you told me I was your perfect little angel ..

In the Blink of an Eye

Maybe her best wasn’t enough
Maybe her all wasn’t even close
But even though she feels weak 
She must remain strong
Because she knows what it’s like to feel unwanted
And to be abandoned from everyone around you
So maybe her all wasn’t enough
And maybe it never will be
But his smile always made her eyes light up
And his jokes always made her laugh
But now?
Now.. It’s totally different
His smile doesn’t make her smile like it used to
it makes her realize that she’s not the only one who made him happy 
His jokes don’t make her laugh the way they always did
All of the times they had together are gone
And within the blink of an eye 
they all went flying by
The memories are so fragile 
Just like a feather
Fragile and thin, so thin you can see through them
Most people say he was her rock, her anchor
But to him .. She was nothing
And she always will be nothing 
And maybe her best will finally be enough 
When she’s 6 feet under
And he’s grasping for air 
Because that was his baby girl, his world 
Now that she’s gone 
he misses her, but it’s to late
And all of this happened
In the blink of an eye.

Feeling Numb

Depression. Some people think of it as just being sad all the time, but it is so much more than that. Each person that suffers from depression responds to it differently: some cut, some starve themselves, some even kill themselves, but not everyone who is depressed shows it. A fake smile can go a long way. Living with depression is a nonstop uphill battle. You constantly feel as though you’re being held underwater, you scream for help thinking someone is bound to hear you eventually, but they never do. Your lungs fill with water from being held under for so long and eventually you go numb. You don’t feel much of anything anymore. You just smile and hope that it looks real. Even when you want to ask for help  you’re afraid someone will judge you or make fun of you. Depression is nothing to joke about, and it is a very serious condition that a lot of people deal with on a day to day basis.

Depression isn’t just painful for the person who suffers from it, it can be painful for the people that are close to them as well.

Though people who are depressed don’t typically tell those around them, for the people that do know, it can be hard to watch their loved ones suffer and not knowing how to help. 50% The percentage of Americans with major depression who don’t seek treatment for the mental illness. As a parent, seeing their child be so down about themselves that they refuse to talk to them (the parent), or the parent sees cuts on the arm and they just say it is nothing, “it was the cat”, is a common excuse for cutting. 

Many people don’t even realize that the people around them suffer from depression. In fact, 11% of adolescents suffer from some sort of depressive disorder by the age of 18 (huffington post).